want vs. fear

think good thoughts for us. i'm completely outta my depth here. but updates soon, so stay tooned.
Labels: bay area, go stay come, homey, want

:: ewee 4:20:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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artastic
from the mind of gwoohoo!--a drawing exercise where we each pick an animal, vegetable, or mineral and we each draw it from memory. No looking it up. For example, I pick ronald mcdonald. Then we see how humorously our memory works.

feel free to add images in the comments, or email me, if you'd like to add your random doodles.
ronald mcd
(1: gwoo, 2: ewee)

snoopy
(1: gwoo, 2: ewee)

simpsons guy
(1: gwoo, 2: ewee)
Labels: art, random

:: ewee 1:02:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Thursday, September 13, 2007 ::

stability junkie
[or, home as destabilizing force]

Been thinking on some things. Stay vs. Go. The usual change and adapting to it shtick...

Some people thrive on adrenalin, a friend calls it (with a gleam in his eye) evil chaos. And yes, I do need some evil chaos to remain content and engaged.

But let's be honest, I'm a stability junkie. Perhaps because I led a semi-nomadic lifestyle (unconsciously, and without any say in the matter--living in over 11 places before I was 8 years old), I find myself constantly wanting to put down roots (so much so that they exhibit in habitual tics--sitting in certain spots in chinatown, watching the flow of people; restaurants have the seats I'm accustomed to; driving becomes a set of unconscious patterns...). I love the feeling of knowing a place, of letting a place get under your skin. I thrive on the little details--the faint smell of a bakery as you whizz past, the sound of mahjohng from open second story windows in chinatown, the feel of the breeze off the bay--bringing with it the ~~curse~~ promise of fog. After I've lived in a place for awhile, when I close my eyes, the place still plays on the back of my eyelids. And what a place this is. We live in a postcard. Not a perfect postcard, but a real one. On Tuesday night I looked up at the Golden Gate bridge (from just beneath it!). The sky still was warm from sunset. The bridge fading into sky, and all so painterly that it made my heart ache and break for the sheer impossible beauty of it. (If only I could capture an iota of that light, that color. Aaargh!)

And now, I'm looking for a home, the ultimate in putting down roots, right? But it's actually the most destabilizing thing we've ever done. It tears down all sorts of vulnerable bits inside you--home, money, family, work, stability, risk. It's all a crazy jumble. In some ways its so loaded, how can we succeed? Better to view it as a business opportunity. But if it's so loaded, how to treat it as business? And every morning, I wake up to a panic attack--how is it that we're embarking on this huge step, with so much unknown, and so much unsaid? And at the end of the day, when I'm finally too tired and I've stopped rushing around, I can't sleep for the thoughts banging around in my head.

Whatever else it is, it's definitely not zen.
Labels: bay area, change, go stay come, homey

:: ewee 10:58:00 AM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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:: Monday, September 10, 2007 ::

water time
Hm, been awhile since I've been able to post. It's been summertime, with bbqs, outrigger, and just general madness all about. But now summer's winding down, and tho I'm sad to see the evenings getting darker and the weather starting to change (even tho, in the bay, this is just the precursor to our real summer weather), I'm looking forward to some cozy time by home and hearth (not that we have a fireplace...yet).

When it's just me and the water, it's interesting to notice how different my attitude becomes, even in only two hours. I'm usually more tense when I first set out, needing to loosen up and get used to the water and my boat. Then, once I'm feeling a little more confident, my competitive streak hits, and I want to prove myself, hang with the pack, and not be dfl (dead f@#$% last). Then, on the leg home (or sooner, depending), all I want is to get home -- my mouth watering as I pass Pier 39 and smell fries, hamburgers...

Honestly, I'm on the water because I love it. I love how it brings me closer to the place I've chosen to make my home. I love how I am forced to interact with Nature on a very real scale (i.e. me:small::Nature:big). I love imprinting this place--this Bay, the smells, the wind, the fog--under my skin. It's a way for me to come home and to meditate. It's a connection, a setting down roots.

But my overachiever training kicks in subconsciously, and instead of being in the moment, enjoying the challenge and learning, I become wrapped up in fear and judgment. And through it all is this sense of competition, which is accompanied by a sense of failure if I don't perform.

So, to balance this, I've been reading my Hand to Hand manual at night, trying to bring to my sport the mental balance that brings me ease. And in an article by the late Professor Coleen Gragen, I found a bit that helped me see what I need to work on next. In that article, she connects competitiveness to self-hatred and fear.

And it's true. I do want to be competitive and really push myself to do better. But I've also noticed something on the water. The fastest paddlers were the ones who were really enjoying the water. They are the most confident on the water and the ones having the most fun. It also helps that most of them have years of water time behind them, but one is a newbie. Newer than me, but her love of the water and her boat adds up to confidence in the water (and to being faster than me, dangnabit!).

My goal isn't to slack off. Instead, I want to focus on increasing my comfort level so I can move past the fear, and really enjoy being on the water. And in the meantime, everything I can do to stay on top of my boat (and not in the water), is a plus. If I come in dfl, I come in dfl. That's not to say I won't work hard not to dfl, but it staying in the moment and focussed on enjoying the water time is my best strategy for improvement.
Labels: h2h, inspiration, outrigger, paddling

:: ewee 9:10:00 PM [+] :: 0 comments ::
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